


They Call Me Luvaholic

by Jaysaysk



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AA, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Angst, Boyfriends, Break Up, Castiel Winchester - Freeform, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Fallen Angel, Fallen Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Gay, Getting Back Together, Hunter - Freeform, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Jared Padalecki - Freeform, Jensen Ackles - Freeform, Kitsune, Lost Love, Love, Lovelorn - Freeform, Lovesick Dean Winchester, M/M, Misha Collins - Freeform, Monster - Freeform, One Shot, Post-Break Up, SPN - Freeform, Sad, Supernatural - Freeform, Therapy, True Love, Unrequited Love, angel - Freeform, cas/dean, castiel novak - Freeform, casxdean, dean/cas - Freeform, deanxCas - Freeform, therapist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 19:03:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19257298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaysaysk/pseuds/Jaysaysk
Summary: After Castiel left Dean because he felt that he didn't love him, the hunter goes into a downward spiral. With a broken heart and bad mental health, he can barley function. Cas has no idea how hard the Winchester took his decision.





	They Call Me Luvaholic

Dean sat in the Impala, staring at the midnight sky. He was on a solo hunt, Sam was looking for the Nephilim, Lucifer's kid; Jack. The older hunter sighed heavily as he closed his eyes. He pictured his love. How that died... It was his fault, he pushed him away. Castiel was too good for Dean. The hunter was gone all the time, the angel was practically invisible to him. The last time Dean saw him was the night he left.

Sam was out, shopping for groceries, and Dean had finally cleaned all the blood off of his body. It wasn't his, it was the vampire nest's that he had slaughtered hours prior. He cracked open a beer as he plopped down on the couch in one of the many rooms in the bunker. He took a swig then hummed in delight at the taste. The floorboards creaked, which caused the hunter to look in the direction of the source. His boyfriend stood silently in the doorway, it brought a smile to Dean's face.

 

"Come here bee," he waved for him to sit next to him. The angel shook his head slightly, then revealed a suitcase. Dean tilted his head, trying to figure out what his love was trying to say.

"Cas? What's going on?" Dean got up, leaving his beverage dripping lightly onto the floor. He stepped towards his boyfriend and try to grab his hand, Castiel pulled away. He let out a shaky breath.

"I'm.." He inhaled the exhaled once more. "I'm leaving you." Dean's heart stopped and he inhaled sharply. He stood still, staring at the angel. "I'm sorry," Cas's voice broke into a whisper.

"C-cas, don't. Please-" Dean cupped his face and smiled sadly. Castiel melted into Dean's hand, a tear slipped down his cheek.

"No." He said quietly yet firmly. He pulled away. "No. I'm invisible to you. I can't keep this up anymore." He watched as Dean's body refrained from flinging itself onto his own body, he watched as Dean tried so hard to keep it together. It hurt so bad, but he had to. "It's always hunt after hunt after hunt. I see you trying to fill this void inside of you. I-" The angel looked down at his feet, trying to hide the tears that begun to fall. "I thought, that I could fill it, or at least help." Cas looked back up, and his heart broke at the sight of Dean. His eyes were red and puffy, tears spilled down his face, yet he stood tall. So tall and trying so hard not to fall apart right in that spot.

"Cas..." Dean choked out. "I'm sorry. I- You can't. Please. Let me fix this. I will fix this, fix us." The Winchester was trying to convince himself that everything would be ok, that Cas wouldn't leave. That his entire world wouldn't walk out of the door right then and there. The angel chocked back a sob, walked over to Dean, and planted a long and soft kiss on his lips. When he pulled back, Cas looked into those green eyes, his blue ones spilled fresh new tears.

"Goodbye Dean." Castiel walked to the doorway, grabbed his things, then left. Dean flinched when he heard to bunker's door slam shut 2 minutes later. He stared into the empty room. Castiel had left, and Dean no longer had a world to live in.

 

Dean snapped back to reality. He looked at the passenger's seat then shook his head. He grabbed his duffel and the few books that sat there and moved them into the back seat. He shoved his keys into his jean pocket before he lay across the front seats and stared at the Impala's interior. He stared until his vision went black, signaling that the Winchester fell into an uneasy sleep.

Dean swam through all of the memories in his head, trying his best to avoid anything involving Castiel. He searched for something good to think about. His life with Lisa Braeden all those years ago, but he had to let her go when his life became a danger to her and Ben. It became very difficult to find anything good, the only good thing in Dean's life. Before he knew it, he was thrown into a memory that he wish he could forget. It was something so simple, but it was a moment where Dean loved him with every fiber of his body.

 

Dean finished up his conversation. Jody said her goodbyes and hung up. With a sigh, Dean sat down on his bed. He ran his fingers along the arch of his nose. Still no idea on the whole fallen angel situation. All Jody had come up with were people who had tried to kill locals, claiming they were angels. Other than that, nothing. Dean fell back onto the bed, he stared at the ceiling. Observing the cracks and water stains. Dean's bedroom door creaked open, revealing Castiel. A fallen angel. Without looking up, Dean gestured for the angel to close the door and come closer. Cas sat next to Dean, he played with his messy hair.

"Don't screw with my hair," The hunter grumbled. Castiel ignored him and continued to mess with his hair. Dean asked a few more times, all ending the same way. The fallen angel still playing with his hair. "Alright that's enough." Dean grabbed Castiel's arm and flipped him over. Dean hovered above the blue eyed man, he smiled at how calm he was. "I love you," Cas said, puckering his lips playfully.

I know," Dean replied nonchalantly.

Dean kicked himself out of that memory, his body shook, it was like a piece of him was torn away in that very moment. He needed to get away from anything involving the angel. However the further he ran, the further he got lost in memories of him and Cas. His head rang with the sound of his voice, all the I love you's and all the snarky comments they made to each other, all the sex, every single damn memory crowded around Dean inside his head. He sobbed uncontrollably, he didn't need to be reminded how he screwed up. How he made the love of his life walk out on him, he didn't need it.

 

The hunter jerked awake, banging his knee up against the steering wheel. He cursed loudly to himself. He rubbed his eyes then sat up. Dean tapped the wheel then checked his watch, he had only gotten 3 hours of sleep. It was 2:39 am, he needed a drink. He put the keys in ignition then sped down the road a few minutes later.

Dean sat in his car, staring at he bar's neon sign: G's Room. He exhaled slowly as he got out of the car, he left his phone in his seat before walking toward's the entrance. He sat down on the stool nearest to the door, so if he needed to leave quickly he had the advantage. Hunter or not, in a bar like that, it was common sense. Dean waved for the bartender, a man in his late 20's walked over, a glass already in his hand.

"What can I get ya?" He asked enthusiastically. Dean looked up at him grimly, which alerted the man that he needed to get him something strong. He walked away, Dean stared at his ass the entire way. When the man came back, he had a bottle of Jameson in one hand, and a glass with ice in another. He gave Dean a wink as he left the bottle.

The hunter unscrewed the bottle and filled the third of the glass. He looked into the alcohol, the color reminded him of honey. Honey. Cas liked honey... He shook his head quickly, he didn't want to be all emotional in public. He downed the liquid, it left his throat feeling warm. He filled his glass the same as before, but waited before drinking it. He looked around the bar, observing all the men that stood around with their friend, girlfriends, or just by themselves. There was a man hunched over the jukebox, he had an average build, his hair was sable, he looked like Cas. Dean waited for him to turn around, eager to see if it was him. Butterflies flew all around his stomach, but the feeling stopped when the man turned around. He had scruff and chocolate brown eyes. Dean felt like an idiot, even if it was Cas, what could he do? It's not like he could walk up to him and say sorry. He turned back to his drink then froze, he didn't know why but he just froze. A tear rolled down his cheek, he blinked rapidly then swilled his drink. He repeated the process of filling his glass then drinking over and over until less that half the bottle was left. Dean stopped himself, he pulled out his wallet and threw $250 on the counter. He didn't care anymore, they could all his money. He slowly exited the bar and made it to his car. The hunter pulled out of the parking lot sloppily and swerved down the road.

···

Dean sat in the room with Dr. Gillum. She was checking notes from their previous sessions and some other paperwork. He shifted in his seat, he was itching to kill something. The Winchester hadn't hunted anything in over 3 months. No motivation at first, then it was Sam preventing him from doing anything. He needed help. Dean gave in, and after a month and a half, there he was. Dr. Gillum set her clipboard on the coffee table and gave him a smile of relief.

"Mr. Winchester, your tests came back positive." Dean looked at her with glossy eyes. "Luckily we have medicine for what you're suffering with. But you also suffer from alcohol addiction, so I have to recommend that you attend AA meetings for several weeks before I can prescribe you the medication." Dean nodded slowly at what his therapist said. Not long after, his session ended and he met Sam in the waiting room.

"Dean, are you ok?" Sam held on to his older brother's shoulders.

"She's putting me on some medicine Sammy..." Dean fell into his brother's hug and cried silently. Sam reassured his brother that everything would be ok.

Dean didn't sleep that night, he didn't really sleep most nights anymore. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the love of his life walking out the door, bags packed and a determined look on his face. He'd have to face the fact that he didn't treat Cas the way he needed to. How he neglected him. Dean hated himself for throwing away the one good thing in his life.

When the morning came, he moped around the bunker, not bothering to change out of his t-shirt and boxers. He didn't go anywhere so there was no point. Sam didn't say anything about it at this point, it just became a regular thing. It made the younger Winchester miserable to see his brother like this. This wasn't Dean, it was an empty shell of him. He always thought that him and Cas would always be together, he never saw this coming. After everything the angel and the elder hunter had been through together, Sam just thought that there was nothing that could break them apart.

Sam walked in the kitchen for some more coffee but paused when he saw his brother passed out over the counter. He smiled sadly then went to go get a blanket for Dean. He knew he wasn't sleeping, so he was almost relieved to see him asleep.

 

After attending his first AA meeting, just as his Doctor recommended, Dean sat in the cheap fold-up chair and examined his wrists. They were raw, so much so that there were scabs from previous bleeding. Whenever he thought about Cas, he would think that he was just a toxic stain in the world, he'd scratch his wrists without even knowing. The counselor who ran the meetings walked up to Dean and handed him a signed piece of paper. His Doctor needed proof that he was there. After he got his paper, Dean got up and went to his car. Dean opened the visor on the driver's side to put the paper there so he wouldn't lose it, but he caught sight of a picture that made his healing heart break again. It was a picture of Cas looking up at the stars from the grass at a park. His soft smile and the way he was sitting, he was so happy that Dean could see the faint crows feet in the creases of his eyes. The ex-hunter sighed sadly.

"How did it get this bad?" He mumbled to himself. He grabbed the picture and replaced it with the signed paper. Dean observed the picture for a little longer then shoved it in his wallet. As he started the car, he thought to himself about that night at the park, and what happened after.

 

Dean kicked the bedroom door open as Cas led him in. Not once did their lips part, Dean balled his hands in the angel's hair. Soft moans escaped his mouth. Cas bit his boyfriend's lip slightly before going back to exploring his mouth with his tongue. He laid the hunter down on the bed, unbuttoning his shirt slowly. Dean quickly took advantage of the angel's position and flipped him over so he was on top. A burgundy color crept up Cas's neck and onto his face. From there, his boyfriend began to kiss up and down his neck, he bit softly on his sweet spots to make him moan softly.

"Dean..." The angel began, however the hunter shushed him. He unzipped Cas's pants and slid them off. He grunted softly as he threw the pants to the other side of the room. Dean pressed up against his boyfriend's bulge, which caused him to moan loudly.

"You like that?" There was no reply, which Dean took for a yes so he continued to do it 'accidentally'. Cas could hardly contain himself. He helped the hunter get his shirt off along with his pants. After that, Dean paused.

"Dean?"

"I love you," he blurted out. His face got red so he looked over at the wall. "I love you." He repeated. "Cas, I need to know that you're ok with what I'm trying to do here." Dean finished nervously. The angel nodded.

"I love you too," he half-moaned half-panted. Dean nodded back to his boyfriend the reached over towards his nightstand to grab a bottle of lube. He squirt some into in right hand and pulled his boxers off with his left. Following his lead, Cas took his own boxers off.

 

Dean woke up, fully clothed, on his bed. He looked over to his nightstand and caught sight of a half drunken bottle of beer. He shook his head in disappointment as he got up to go take a shower. He peeled his jacket and flannel off and tossed them onto the floor. He kicked his boots off, then his pants. After he took off his socks, he walked over to his dresser to grab a pair of sweats. Not long after he tiptoed over to the bathroom and took the rest of his clothing off and set them on the toilet.

The water felt pleasing on his skin, his muscles relaxed as he let out a sigh of relief. He washed his hair quickly. After that he just stood there. He was at peace for the first time since Cas left. He didn't know why, it was just a shower. Something so simple. Dean didn't overthink it, he silently enjoyed being care free. Maybe his antidepressants were finally kicking in. He smiled softly and stood in the shower for a little while longer.

Dean stepped foot out of the bunker and took a deep breath, embracing the crisp autumn air. It was the first time he had left on his own, not for AA or therapy. He was happy. Sam came out soon after, he had a huge smile plastered on his face. He was so proud of his brother. Dean wanted to walk around the wooded area by the bunker just for a while. He wanted to see the part of life where there were no monsters, no worries, no Cas, nothing that could harm Dean. As he walked off, Sam checked his phone to see what time a burger joint would open around town.

Leaves crunched as Dean would go out of his way to step on them. He was so focused on that that he didn't see the woman in front of him. They bumped into each other quickly, Dean looked up immediately to apologize.

"I'm sorry ma'am." He helped her up, they soon locked eyes. Dean gulped as he stared into her crystal blue eyes. He observed the rest of her face, she had light freckles scattered across her cheeks, faint dimples on each cheek, and strawberry blonde hair.

"No it's ok, I wasn't paying much attention either." She giggled slightly then looked up at Dean slowly. "Um, I'm Kara."

"Oh, I'm Dean." He smiled sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his neck. Soon they stood in an awkward silence.

"So," Kara began. "I'm free tomorrow. You wanna go grab some coffee or something?" Shocked at the offer, Dean nodded hesitantly.

"Yeah sure, of course." He stuck his hand out to the blonde. "It's a date then?" A pink blush crept onto the girl's face.

"Yep, it's a date." She let go of Dean's hand and smiled. "See you tomorrow Dean." He nodded as she walked off. His face was warm, and his heart pounded.

 

Dean sat quietly while he waited for the barista to bring him coffee. He had been waiting for Kara for 10 minutes. When she brought his coffee, she looked at him oddly. He looked up and caught her staring.

"Yeah I know, so handsome right?" Dean joked, the barista laughed. She looked around before sitting at his table.

"You waiting for anyone, you look lonely." She fingered the ring on her finger, Dean noticed quickly.

"Why should you care, are you married?" He pointed at the ring, she scoffed playfully.

"Engaged actually, and I can't make friends?" Dean smiled at her comment.

"I'm waiting for this really pretty blonde. Blue eyes, freckles. Her name is Kara." He smiled proudly. The barista's smile faded.

"Oh," She rested her hands on his. "I'm sorry sweetie. If i had a nickel for every time that girl led men here and stood them up." Dean's smile was wiped off his face.

"Oh..." He looked at his hands.

"You know what, coffee's on me. I'm sorry hun." The barista got up to go take someone's order.

Dean stared down at his coffee. He missed it. He missed being needed. He started hunting again a few weeks prior, but that's wasn't the feeling of being needed he missed. Dean just wanted to be able to love someone again... He wanted- he needed Cas back in his life.

The hunter swallowed the lump in his throat, he pulled out his wallet and left a generous tip for the barista before getting up and leaving.

 

Dean stared at the ceiling in his bedroom. He had been laying, fully clothed, on his bed for hours. He would sleep but every time he closed his eyes, his longing for Castiel grew. Dean just needed him back, he's quit the life and be there for him. There was a knock at his door, he didn't move.

"Dean," Sam revealed himself from behind the door. "You should get up and start moving around. I think," the younger Winchester saw that his brother had not moved once. " I know what you're thinking about. That's not healthy. I know it hard but you need to get over him, this is killing you." Dean hummed at the statement.

"I'd quit for him." Dean propped himself up on his right elbow. "The life... I would now anyway. You know, I pictured us with a family at some point. I don't know why but I did." He looked down at his finger as he chuckled, tears welled in his eyes. "I was going to-" Dean's voice broke slightly, though he cleared his throat so it would be hard to notice. "I wanted to marry him Sammy. I had bought a ring and everything. That night, when he walked out, the ring was right in my pocket. I was going to do it on our anniversary."

"Which would've been the day after..." Sam finished. Dean nodded and sniffled. All he could do was give his big brother a hug before he left him to his business.

···

Dean shuffled down the street with his hands in his pockets. It was cold. Usual Kansas weather for this time of year. The wind blew in small gusts, pulling the leaves on the street onto the sidewalk. Dean always thought Autumn had it's own beauty opposed to the rest of other seasons. He walked into the market that sat on the corner of the streets that divided the town. It was almost empty, only the employees populated the lot.

Dean shrugged it off and went straight for the snacks. He figured drinking was no longer an option for him, his AA suggested strongly against it. He tapped his chin as he examined all of his choices. Someone cleared their voice from behind. Dean turned around then sighed with relief, it was Kara. His happiness ended quickly when he remembered what she did.

"Oh hey," he greeted, pretending not to care that she was in front of him. She frowned slightly.

"I'm sorry for not showing up, I got caught up with my family." Dean's cold look softened, he could understand something like that.

"That's ok." His shoulders relaxed. "It's funny because you had me worried for a second. The barista said that you brought guys in there all the time. I do't know if I believe her but-"

"She really say that?" Before Dean could continue, Kara exploded. "That bitch! You had no business knowing what I did!" She sighed. "I guess now I'm going to have to do to you what I did to the rest of them..." The hunter backed away, not sure of what would happen next. Kara's eyes flickered a hazel color, her pupils grew deadly, and her nails curved into sharp talents. She lunged at Dean before he could dodge her.

She growled and scratched at Dean's face, blood spotted from his wounds. The only thing keeping her from killing him was that he had her wrists locked into his hands. After gathering some strength, he kicked her off then went to grab the knife he hid in his jacket. Kara gasped then there was a thump, Dean looked back up and froze.

 

Castiel wiped his blade on interior of his trench coat, he slid it back into the pocket where it was stored. He caught Dean's eyes. The two stared back at one another. It had been so long since they've seen each other face to face. Dean swallowed harshly, he needed to get out of there fast, yet before he could move, Castiel was already starting to turn around to leave. Every instinct in the Winchester's body told him to let him walk away, he grabbed the angel's arm.

"Cas..."

"Don't... I've been hunting this kitsune for a few weeks. I guess you were next victim. There was a long pause, then the angel clung to the hunter, squeezing his sides. "I'm sorry," he said, just above a whisper. "I was an idiot- I still am..."

A tear slipped down Dean's cheek. He couldn't move or say anything. All the feelings and memories he had locked away came flooding back.

"I love you so much. I love you, please... Let me-" The angel stopped himself. He knew he was foolish to come back, he began to back away.

Dean grabbed the collar of the trench coat and pulled Castiel into a long, passionate kiss. He felt complete again. He tasted the sweetness of his angel again along with their salty tears. When they both pulled back for air, Castiel gazed into his love's eyes, looking confused.

"But after what I did, why?" Dean chuckled lightly, more tears falling down his face.

"What can I say? I'm a damn luvaholic."

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by the song "luvaholic" by G-Eazy


End file.
